High heat. Just... No Spark!

Ever feel like your spark just… powered down? In this episode of Hot Flash & Sassy, we’re talking about desire, where it goes, why it changes, and why you’re not broken. Expect laughs, honesty, and a whole lot of validation as we unpack one of the most common (and least talked about) shifts of midlife.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:04

Hot Flash and Sassy, a podcast with hot takes, hotter flashes, and a whole lot of sass. Hello everyone, and welcome back to Hot Flash and Sassy, the podcast where we talk about the real, sometimes messy, sometimes hilarious, and always honest side of midlife. Today we're diving into a topic that so many women experience, but not nearly enough people talk about. Libido during perimenopause and menopause.

SPEAKER_02 0:42

It's the episode I've been dying for.

SPEAKER_01 0:44

Excited or worried about?

unknown 0:47

Not really.

SPEAKER_02 0:49

A lot of our coworkers, listen, I'm not sure how to approach this one.

SPEAKER_01 0:53

We might limit the real life experiences on this.

SPEAKER_02 0:57

We'll be talking for a friend. There you go. A friend told me.

SPEAKER_01 1:01

There you go. All right.

SPEAKER_02 1:02

All right, what happens?

SPEAKER_01 1:04

So if you guys have ever wondered why is my desire suddenly disappeared? Why do I feel different in my body? Is this normal? And what does this mean for my relationship? You're definitely not alone.

SPEAKER_02 1:17

Nope. We're all here with you. Um, perimenopause and menopause can have a major impact on your libido, intimacy, and relationships. And I feel like that goes for all relationships. This is not just like significant other relationships.

SPEAKER_01 1:35

What kind of friends do you have?

SPEAKER_02 1:38

Not that kind. Not that.

SPEAKER_01 1:41

Rhee and I do not have that friendship.

SPEAKER_02 1:44

Not a lot. Oh my lord. Wait, where are the rumors going? We're not even through the opening, and you've gone way off track. You gotta get it out. We are not talking about friends with benefits here, folks. We are talking about just relationships in general. So today we're going to talk about what's actually happening with your hormones, why libido changes during this phase of life, and how these changes can impact relationships. And most importantly, we're going to normalize this conversation. Are we? As we laugh the whole time. Well, we typically laugh through our podcast, so I think it'll be a little bit on brand that we're laughing at ourselves and each other, but we might giggle a little bit more.

SPEAKER_01 2:30

Because we're like school children.

SPEAKER_02 2:32

We're like school children talking about libido. What the hell? I mean, did you ever think we were gonna be in this spot? I didn't, but we can't talk about hormones without talking about it. I know.

SPEAKER_01 2:44

So we're gonna get into it, guys, what's actually happening with our hormones. Here we go.

SPEAKER_02 2:50

Let's look at what's actually happening.

SPEAKER_01 2:52

What is happening? What is happening? We're gonna start with the science. We like to get the science out of the way. Well, I mean, that'll be the least humorous part about it. It's the least humorous, and it's let's see what words I can't say. It's always fun. Okay, because uh understanding what's happening in our body can make a big difference. I think that's true for all the things we've talked about. I think that's true. Right?

SPEAKER_02 3:13

I'm already laughing. I can't stop. Oh my gosh. Okay, all right. I'm I'm done laughing. Go ahead. Are you done? Okay.

SPEAKER_01 3:23

I was just trying to make sure you got it out. All right. During perimenopause, which can begin in your 40s and sometimes even late 30s, your hormones begin to fluctuate significantly. Right. Three big hormones that affect our libido are estrogen, progesterone, and testosterone. Yes. And we talk about them in every episode.

SPEAKER_02 3:43

Every episode, they are not going away. Yes.

SPEAKER_01 3:45

So if you haven't figured out, yes, testosterone, we women, we do have it too. Um, and it plays a very important role in sexual desire and arousal. I guess that explains the difference because then men got so much.

SPEAKER_02 3:57

They get so much of it. That's the problem. We need it. Even our booster shots or testosterone. So, I mean, there's something to be said about this testosterone. But let's start with estrogen. Okay, as estrogen levels drop, several physical changes can happen. Are you ready? Oh, I'm ready. Vaginal dryness. I tried really hard not to laugh, saying it. Uh, thinner vaginal tissue, reduced blood flow and sensitivity, changes in natural lubrication. Yep, I said vaginal and lubrication on our podcasts. So I'm please don't ask me questions about that. Would you like to go in detail? I will I will not go into detail. These changes can make intimacy less comfortable or less spontaneous, which naturally affect desire. So agreed, got it. I understand estrogen has a biological effect, but does it mean that I do not want to look at other females? Okay, moving on. I was wondering if you had the answer for that. Oh, it's a fair question, okay. Um, and then there are the ripple effects of these hormonal changes. Sleep disruption. Talk about that in every episode. Every single time. Which, by the way, if you hear a little humming in the background, it's because we have the AC on, we're dying of the heat.

SPEAKER_01 5:23

It's not great for sound on podcasts, but we were not gonna sit in here in the freaking heat. You can't watch us melt. I'm sorry, I'm just not gonna do it.

SPEAKER_02 5:30

Or listen to us melt, whichever way you're doing it. Okay, moving on. Sorry. Fatigue, mood swings, and brain fog. All of which we talk about fairly regularly. So when you're exhausted, stressed, and not feeling like yourself, the libido often takes a back seat. No shit. That's not my priority, honestly. I'm just trying to get through the day. That's all.

SPEAKER_01 5:53

I'm just trying to remember what the hell I'm saying. I'm trying to have the energy. I'm at like trying not to throat punch somebody. And I gotta worry about my libido.

SPEAKER_02 6:01

I ain't got time for you, libido. You're gonna have to move on.

SPEAKER_01 6:06

Amen.

SPEAKER_02 6:07

Yeah, yes, yes, yes. Okay. Anyway, um, so you've been wondering why your desire feels different. Remember, this isn't emotional or psychological. Remember, you're not crazy. It's biological. Yep. Okay. So something that surprises a lot of women is that the libido, libido, libido. Libido. Libido, libido, doesn't change the same way for everyone. During perimenopause, this girl hormones are fluctuating constantly. Yes, I am on the roller coaster. One month your estrogen may spike, the next it drops dramatically. Some women notice a sudden drop in desire, like that. It just falls off the face of the planet. Moments where libido actually increases. Ooh, sometimes that's fun. Sometimes you're like, just go away. I'm done with you already. Or just feeling inconsistent and confused. Always. Thank you. Yeah, that's life, isn't it? Google or whoever gave us this biological information. Once menopause occurs and hormone levels stabilize at lower levels, some women continue to experience lower libido, which is why we recommend hormone replacement therapy. Do you want to stay at that low level and hate people and humans in any walk of life on a regular basis? No, I kind of want to enjoy being around humans.

SPEAKER_01 7:28

Maybe some people do.

SPEAKER_02 7:29

I don't know. Come talk to us. You do not want to live like that. I promise. All right. Holly, you tell us about menopause.

SPEAKER_01 7:38

I'm gonna tell you because there's some important things that can get overlooked when it comes to menopause. That's great. So for some women, libido actually improves after menopause. Isn't that interesting? But why? Why? Tell me my no pregnancy concern. Ah.

SPEAKER_02 7:55

All that stress is lifted. Well, I have all the other stress of the world, but at least one thing's been lifted. Right.

SPEAKER_01 8:01

This is interesting. More self-confidence. When does that struggle? But okay. Um, more open communication. I think that's probably because you don't mess around anymore and you're not taking shit. So you're just like saying it. We are directly. Right. So I can see that. I can see that. I don't have no filter.

SPEAKER_02 8:20

I really don't have time to explain myself. I'm just gonna be real direct with you and we're gonna move on because I'm trying really hard not to bite your head off.

SPEAKER_01 8:30

Exactly. There you go.

SPEAKER_02 8:32

And throat punch you.

SPEAKER_01 8:34

And there is less pressure around sex.

SPEAKER_02 8:37

Oh, there is? So wait till that happened. What are they talking about? Who makes this shit up? I mean, seriously, these are not our words. We are using this paper of Google information that tells us this shit.

SPEAKER_01 8:53

We we sure are. Um, I it I have a funny story that one of Jake's um co-workers or a friend, I don't even know who it was, said something to him. This was years ago, and was like the he was single, you know, and he's trying to have a good time out there. And he said to Jake and some other guys that are married, and he's like, I mean, you can have sex whenever you want, you're married. And he goes, and we just all had a real good laugh.

SPEAKER_02 9:24

He didn't even need to expand on it, just said we had a good laugh. He doesn't know. Okay. Holly, I have to tell you something. I brought a surprise.

SPEAKER_01 9:34

Oh, God.

SPEAKER_02 9:35

I brought Jake a gift.

SPEAKER_01 9:37

Oh, and it has and it's something that's given during the libido episode.

SPEAKER_02 9:41

Well, I thought you could share this back with me. Oh no. It's a candle. Okay. But the front of it, it's from my favorite candle, please. Um, but I won't say because I don't know if I'm allowed to. I'm not allowed to.

SPEAKER_01 9:54

I don't know.

SPEAKER_02 9:54

I don't know. You're the marketing expert. But anyway, it was from Christmas and it says what the elf. And I'm like, sort of saying what the elf to Jake. I thought you could give this to him and say, here, have a candle. For when we have some anxiety. Have a candle about the anxiety that you may feel about us having a lower libido. There we go. Isn't that great that I connected two episodes?

SPEAKER_01 10:18

That's so great. Good for you. And Jake gets a gift. And he gets a gift. Last time I tried to make it. Does it? Okay. I have a big gift. I do like candles. We do light candles.

SPEAKER_02 10:27

But what the elf.

SPEAKER_01 10:28

Yeah. Jake. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 10:30

All right. All right.

SPEAKER_01 10:31

All right.

SPEAKER_02 10:31

Moving on. Sorry for the distraction.

SPEAKER_01 10:33

We we must we must move on. Um, but every woman's experience is different, so I think we all need to keep that in mind. Yep. And I think that's true. I mean, your and I's experience is different for hormones. I don't know how detailed we've gotten on libido, but just I would assume like the rest of the hormones is varies.

SPEAKER_02 10:52

So we often share the stories of how when you pass in the hallway, how we feel about our significant others. Yeah. When it's time for pellets. Crass, crass. Exactly when it's time for pellets, because sometimes we'd prefer not to be near our significant others.

SPEAKER_01 11:08

There you go.

SPEAKER_02 11:08

That's a generalized thought.

SPEAKER_01 11:10

It is generalized thought. And I think that's a good segue to like how libido affects the relationship, how those changes. That's right. What does that do?

SPEAKER_02 11:19

That's right. When the libido changes, couples sometimes experience. I can't wait for this one, Google. Thanks. Mismatched levels of desire. Accurate. Yep. Misunderstanding. Oh, that's such a nice word. Way to put it. Is that great? Hurt feelings. I'm not sure I'm experiencing any hurt feelings because I am the bitey aggravated one. So I don't think it's talking about you. I don't think so either. Um, feelings of rejection. Yep, yep, yep. Okay. Partners may interpret a decrease in libido as lack of attraction, loss of connection, or even relationship trouble. No, honey, we are not cheating on you. We don't even want one of you, much less two.

SPEAKER_01 12:05

But I can see how they would go to that because they don't know, like, they don't know about this. That's true. They don't know about your hormones. So to them, they're just like, man, she doesn't find me attractive. Or she's got somebody on the side. Or you're like, listen, I don't want nobody on the side. No one's got time for that either.

SPEAKER_02 12:21

I don't have time for much. But and I don't even really have time for what I got going on on my mind.

SPEAKER_01 12:27

I can I can see where that's coming from. I think that's awfully sympathetic of you.

SPEAKER_02 12:31

Thank you. Do you know what, Judy? Our favorite Judy, our favorite pellet gal tells me that her significant other says that pellets make him more attractive.

SPEAKER_01 12:40

Oh, there you go. That's a nice way to look at it. It's kind of true.

SPEAKER_02 12:46

Yep. When pellets kick in and I'm like, oh, you're a different human now.

SPEAKER_01 12:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 12:52

Have you had that moment?

SPEAKER_01 12:53

Oh, oh, absolutely.

SPEAKER_02 12:55

When you're like, pellets are on fire, let's go.

SPEAKER_01 12:57

Because it well, okay, and I don't know about that.

unknown 12:59

Not like that.

SPEAKER_02 13:00

Where's your dirty mind going?

SPEAKER_01 13:02

We're talking about libido. Where's my mind going? To the topic being disguised.

SPEAKER_02 13:12

I'm just gonna tell you, I feel like this is a therapy session for me. I needed to laugh a little bit today.

SPEAKER_01 13:16

Oh, good. There we go. That's what we're here for. Okay. So what is the women's? So let's move on past those partners. Okay, let's talk about skipping right over what the women are experiencing during hormone changes. Right. So they're frustrated with their body.

SPEAKER_02 13:31

Hey, remember that episode where we were like mourning our 20-year-old self?

SPEAKER_01 13:36

Which is so true. Exactly. You're like, I don't want somebody to see me. I don't look how I used to. Exactly. And again, it's men don't experience the same thing that women do with their bodies. So they're probably over there like, I'm looking good, you know? And we're like, ugh.

SPEAKER_02 13:49

They got all the confidence in the world. Do you know why? Because they got all the testosterone in there.

SPEAKER_01 13:53

Yeah. Yep.

SPEAKER_02 13:54

Share some of that stuff, right?

SPEAKER_01 13:56

We start feeling guilty about lack of desire. You do kind of feel, right, like it's an obligation, I guess, or like bad that like they do could think that there's somebody else, or and it really has nothing to do with them. Like that's the thing. It's actually not.

SPEAKER_02 14:11

Cheating on you with my hormones.

SPEAKER_01 14:12

There you go. Cheating on with you, no one. Yeah. Um, all right. Confused about what's happening. Yeah. Yeah. Aren't we all? Yeah. And if nobody is talking about it openly, it can create distance. So if you're not voicing, hey, this is really it's not a you thing, it's a me thing.

SPEAKER_02 14:30

Well, how could they be voicing that if they don't even know what's going on themselves?

SPEAKER_01 14:34

Which is so true.

SPEAKER_02 14:34

Which is why this conversation is so important.

SPEAKER_01 14:37

And I feel like that's the loop you get stuck in, is like for women, you don't realize what's going on. Right. And so you can't be like, hey, this has nothing to do with use my hormones. Yeah. And they're over there thinking, oh my gosh, like she doesn't like me anymore.

SPEAKER_02 14:50

She doesn't like me anymore. Yeah. We've been in this relationship too long. She's cheating on me. All the crazy things that are going through in their head that are not at all factual. Yep. This next one is so Or significant others, not just guys.

SPEAKER_01 15:03

Yeah, yeah. No, signif correct. Correct. Significant. Another one is um something you kind of already mentioned. Another factor that often plays a role is the mental load. Oh my God. Just everything. And like you said, that is probably not the highest priority. It's like when you're because you're also feeling like shit. Yeah. Aside from libido. Like if I am achy and I can't remember what I'm saying and I have no energy, why why would I even think about my libido?

SPEAKER_02 15:29

I sound like a rice crispy, a bowl of rice crispies when I move. Oh yeah, that's sexy. Bring it on. I can't renew.

SPEAKER_01 15:41

I'm here for you. Oh god it. It isn't your laugh. Yes, because a lot of us are juggling careers, our kids, possibly some aging parents. Um household responsibilities. All of them. Um so when you're mentally and emotionally exhausted exhausted, intimacy can feel more like another thing on our to-do list.

SPEAKER_02 16:09

A hundred percent.

SPEAKER_01 16:10

I cannot agree with that more. Yeah. I mean, when you have to check a box, correct. That's not fun. You check a box, that's not really like the greatest recipe for desire. Yes.

SPEAKER_02 16:21

Yes. Exactly. That's not hot and sexy.

SPEAKER_01 16:24

Right? Right. So the key is to remember that intimacy is about connection, not just physical desire.

SPEAKER_02 16:31

I would also correct that to say it's connection and communication.

SPEAKER_01 16:35

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 16:36

Because as you learn what your body is going through, you have to share those learnings with your significant other. Yeah. They're not doing the research, honey. Right. I mean, it might end up on their social media feeds that they've got a hormonal significant other. Yeah. But it's really that's gonna be the extent. All they're gonna feel is like, okay, other dudes or females or significant others are going through the same thing I'm going through. Right. So communicate, talk about it as uncomfortable and as awkward as talking about the libido might be with your coworker. You gotta do it. Just get it out in the open, talk about it, and figure out a way to communicate it to your spouse or significant other.

SPEAKER_01 17:15

Yeah. And if you're not comfortable, just have them listen to this episode of the podcast. It's just like this is me.

SPEAKER_02 17:20

And if nothing else, y'all can laugh together. Because laughter is a little bit of therapy. Oh, absolutely. Anyhoot, nanny. So the good news is that there's um some options for. I can't wait. The medical world says that you should definitely talk to your healthcare provider before indulging in some of these options. But you know, as we often say, we're big fans of hormone replacement therapy. Super, super good option. Um, but then there's vaginal estrogen. Did you know that? I don't even know about that. What do you do? I don't know.

SPEAKER_01 17:54

How does that work?

SPEAKER_02 17:55

I guess you put it in there.

SPEAKER_01 17:57

Oh lord.

SPEAKER_02 17:58

Somebody, if you have tried vaginal estrogen, we are gonna need your comment. Please reach out to us. Hot flash and sassy at gmail.

SPEAKER_01 18:05

I mean, does that impact like your whole body? Is it just getting going down there? I don't know. How long does it last? Yeah, we have so many questions.

SPEAKER_02 18:12

We have so many questions. I don't even understand it. But moisturizers and lubricants, obviously, I mean, anybody who's gone through vaginal dryness or whatnot in their lifetime knows about lubricants. I'm not gonna make any referrals or recommendations, but there are some all-natural ones out there. So if you're concerned about using something, do your research, find the all-natural ones. I highly recommend more going all natural.

SPEAKER_01 18:38

Oh, I would think so for a thing like that.

SPEAKER_02 18:40

But just remember it's a sensitive sponge. There you go. Um, and then testosterone therapy in some cases, which we have also spoken about during our hormone replacement journeys. We also get a little bit of testosterone to kind of boost our adventure. We do. Well, it's one of our pellets, too. It is one of our pellets. Yeah, it's the biggest one of our pellets, actually. But I think those are all things that you should take into consideration, do your research on, and know that there is help. You don't have to just endure what you're going through. And talk to the medical provider.

SPEAKER_01 19:14

That's right. There are also some lifestyle factors that you can partake in. Oh Lord, here we go. Here we go. If they tell me to stop drinking, it's gonna be all the shit that we talk about every week that they tell us to do, Renee. Okay. Exactly. Reinforcements here. So you can do things like prioritizing your sleep.

SPEAKER_02 19:31

Oh, sure. Didn't we just talk about like all the things I have to do? Yep. My big to-do list that we're trying not to add sex to my to-do list. And now we're gonna prioritize.

SPEAKER_01 19:43

You gotta get enough sleep.

SPEAKER_02 19:44

Sure.

SPEAKER_01 19:45

So okay, I'm gonna work on it. Okay, you gotta manage your stress.

SPEAKER_02 19:50

I'm not, no comment.

SPEAKER_01 19:51

No comment. Regular exercise. Yay, Holly. Yes, yes. And you should eat well. I feel like these are the worst tips.

SPEAKER_00 20:01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 20:02

Okay, now if you could let me know which eating well I need to do. Yes. Because you know, the old era was like divide your plate and have equal parts of all the healthy things. We went through the Atkins era where you had to do low carbs. We're on the DLP of one thing now where you gotta do high protein. So, what is eating well anymore? I think it varies for a person.

SPEAKER_01 20:28

I know. I think everyone needs a different approach. It's very individualized.

SPEAKER_02 20:32

Yeah, you gotta do what's right for your body, which is why we don't only say do hormone replacement therapy like we do. You gotta find what works for your body. Absolutely. These lovely recommendations from the Google.

SPEAKER_01 20:47

Those things can help support your hormone balance and overall well-being. Yes, duh. Um, another important piece is reframing intimacy. What the fuck?

SPEAKER_02 20:57

I mean, I know what you finally said it. I tried to only say F, but that one just kind of fell out. What do you want me to do? Okay. I think we're talking about the other way. That we were supposed to have more of it to, you know, like Yeah, well, we're gonna reframe it though.

SPEAKER_01 21:18

We're gonna it's gonna be different. I don't think it's just more.

SPEAKER_02 21:20

I don't think get on out there, guys. I think that's what our significant others would suggest.

SPEAKER_01 21:28

Okay, well, let's see what what our Google search told us. So for many couples, intimacy during midlife becomes less about spontaneity and more about intentional connection.

SPEAKER_02 21:39

Oh. So that's thorough communication.

SPEAKER_01 21:42

You connect, and then that's a moment. Yeah. I'm is I'm refraining from singing, let's get it on. I have a terrible singing voice, otherwise, I would do it.

SPEAKER_02 21:54

Oh my gosh. Okay, that would be. Wait until you see Austin's gonna do it for TikTok, isn't he?

SPEAKER_01 22:01

He's gonna sing, let's get it on.

SPEAKER_02 22:03

He is not gonna sing it, but something tells him he's gonna see how to add some music to that TikTok just prompted him.

SPEAKER_01 22:10

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 22:10

Another shout out to Austin. Thanks for helping us with TikTok. Good luck on this one, buddy.

SPEAKER_01 22:14

Um right. So what does intentional connection mean? That might mean scheduling time together, trying new ways to be intimate, focusing on closeness, touch, and affection. Oh, I don't want to be touched.

SPEAKER_02 22:32

We just got cringes. Don't do that.

unknown 22:36

Don't do that.

SPEAKER_02 22:40

I mean, they really have to test when they can tell. They have to test. Maybe come in with like a little finger dab. Oh my god. Please don't poke either.

unknown 22:52

That would be awful.

SPEAKER_02 22:54

I officially laughed till I cried. I love it. Alright, we gotta move this. We have got to move, we gotta wrap this in. Let's speak. Um, let's get to some key takeaways, shall we? Let's do it. Okay. Okay, yeah. Our standard reminder: you are not broken and you are not crazy. So let's just check that one off the list. There is something biologically going on within your body, whether you're in perimenopause or menopause. Changes in the libido during perimenopause and menopause are common, where hormones play a powerful role in how we feel physically, emotionally, and sexually. And intimacy doesn't disappear during midlife, it's changing and evolving like the rest of your darn body. Yeah. Just changing. Remember, we're mourning the old self. We're go we're gro growing into the new, right? Is that what you're talking about? Sure.

SPEAKER_01 23:48

Yeah. Did you say growing? We said something. Something. Yeah. Morphing. Morphing. Morphing. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 23:53

Morphing sounds like. And we're like butterflies. We're like beautiful butterflies. The goo is good. That's right. We're in the goo right now. It's gonna get better. Um, with communication support, and sometimes medical help, many women find a way to connect with their partners. Okay, excellent. We're connecting.

SPEAKER_01 24:13

We yes, we're like you and you and I. No, not like you and I. You said it this time, not me. All right. Well, thank you guys so much for listening to today's episode of Hot Flash and Sassy. If this conversation resonated with you, please. Or made you laugh through the whole thing. Anything, any kind of feelings, um, please consider sharing this episode with a friend because chances are someone you know is going through the exact same thing.

SPEAKER_02 24:41

100%.

SPEAKER_01 24:42

Um, if you have any questions or topics you'd like us to cover in future episodes, we would love to hear from everybody. That's all right. Um until next time. So remember, midlife isn't the end of the story. It's just the new chapter, and sometimes it's the most powerful one yet. Make sure you like us on Facebook, follow us on TikTok, Instagram, and all the things.

SPEAKER_02 25:00

Guess what? What? We have an Instagram now. Breaking news. Check us out on Instagram too, hot flash and sassy. All spelled out. No spaces, no underscores, no no none of that craziness. Just hot flash and sassy. Talk to you next time. Bye.